Cobra's Cash Crisis
by Red Witch
Summary: Even Cobra isn't recession proof...


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has run off to the unemployment office. Just more madness from my tiny little brain. **

**Cobra's Cash Crisis**

"Members of Cobra High Command, today we are presented with a unique opportunity," Cobra Commander hissed. "The world financial crisis has come to a dangerous precipice. The economy of the United States is all but collapsed! Wall Street is on the verge of complete meltdown and this crisis is one that Cobra can take advantage of, plundering capitalism until it crashes before our might! At least we **would **do that if it wasn't for one tiny little problem…"

"We're broke again aren't we?" Destro sighed.

"Yes Destro I'm afraid so," Cobra Commander sighed. "It seems that not even Cobra is immune in this bad economy. Which really tells you how bad things have gotten."

"So?" Torch scoffed. "Cobra's been broke since 1986! What else is new?"

"No Torch, things are worse than usual," Cobra Commander explained. "Our financial crisis is **really** bad."

"It's been **really bad** since **1989**," Torch snorted.

"It's worse than that we're afraid," Tomax sighed.

"We here at Cobra must tighten our belts if we are going to survive this financial crisis," Cobra Commander said.

"Tighten our belts? We've already replaced more than half our troops with Synthoids and are using materials stolen from Chinese junkyards!" Mindbender protested. "If our belts were any tighter they'd cut us in half!"

"We're so cheap you send the Dreadnoks out on runs to steal toilet paper from rest rooms!" Zartan said. "How bad can this crisis be? I mean we already steal most of our materials so our overhead can't be **that **bad!"

"Do you remember the crisis when Cobra could not pay it's bills?" Xamot prompted.

"And Extensive Enterprises had to repossess certain Cobra assets?" Tomax finished.

"Bad as that?" Zarana asked.

"No, worse," The Twins replied at the same time.

"Let's just say that repossessing Cobra's assets…" Xamot began.

"Such as they are," Tomax interjected.

"Is not an option this time," Xamot finished.

"Why not?" The Baroness asked.

"Because Extensive Enterprises is also having a bit of financial trouble as well," Tomax explained.

"Our stock is lower than Tiffany Weapon's underwear," Xamot groaned.

"Tiffany Weapons don't wear underwear," Buzzer remarked.

"Exactly," The Twins said at the same time.

"Ooohhhhhh," Torch nodded. "You mean it's **that **bad!"

"It happened so fast," Tomax groaned. "First the stocks went down then too many mortgages were not being paid…"

"The money we lost on foreclosures was bad enough but then we made some well…Rather unwise financial investments," Xamot coughed.

"Unwise?" Destro asked. "Define unwise."

"Well…" Xamot stalled.

"There were a few…investments that didn't pan out," Tomax began.

"I told you guys you should have invested in that Snuggie company," Monkeywrench shook his head.

"It's a reverse bathrobe without a belt! What was the sense in that?" Xamot yelled.

"When you put it on you look like a Jedi with a weight problem!" Tomax agreed.

"What sensible person would buy such a thing?" Both Twins spoke.

"Never underestimate the gullibility of the Internet shopper," Destro sighed. "What else?"

"Other things," Tomax said. "The collapse of the housing market for one. Our stock in Circuit City, Kay Bee Toys, Linens and Things…"

"A slight fire at our main building started by a disgruntled employee," Xamot growled.

"I was **not** disgruntled!" Torch snapped. "I was mad at the vending machine because it wouldn't give me chips after I put my money in it!"

"No Torch, someone else set a fire at a **different building** a month after you did," Xamot sighed.

"Although it was for the same reason," Tomax added. "Which might also explain why our vending machine business didn't get off the ground so well."

"It's not all your fault," Mindbender said. "Everyone is selling everything from Ipods to acne cream from vending machines. Who knew getting large screen plasma screen TVs from a giant vending machine would be a bad idea?"

"The premise was sound it was just the delivery that did us in," Tomax shrugged.

"And the fact that the televisions broke as soon as they hit the drop slot," Xamot groaned.

"Yeah but that wasn't even a quarter of your profits," Zartan said. "I've seen your company statements and reports. You lost over ten billion into thin air somehow. How did that happen?"

"Well you see…" Xamot began.

"There was this sure thing from a trusted investor," Tomax went on.

"But you know how the market is," Xamot added.

"This investor's name wouldn't happen to be Bernie Madoff would it?" Cobra Commander asked. The twins shrank in their seats. "That's what I thought. Pretty much par for the course if you think about it."

"Let me see if I get this straight…" Destro began. "The Crimson Twins, the two most brilliant and devious economic criminals in the world got duped by a charlatan?"

"He was very convincing," Xamot was clearly embarrassed.

"I'll say," Cobra Commander said. "He got three million from me!"

"This is why I deal mostly in illegal weapons," Destro told them. "The market almost never goes down. There's always someone out there who's buying. Wars pop up every day. Drug cartels and insane billionaires are always looking for the next big thing to protect their interests or blow the competition away. It's probably one of the most recession proof jobs I know. Okay you get the odd complaint and someone who tries to bomb your house and you end up on a few dozen most wanted lists but…It's a lot less riskier than the stock market!"

"You know what really grinds my gears is that people call **us **terrorists when those so called Wall Street experts have done more damage to the world economy than we ever did!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Are you angry at what they did or is it professional jealousy?" The Baroness asked.

"A little of column A and a little of column B," Cobra Commander shrugged. "But the more I think about it, I'm leaning towards A! I mean these Wall Street bozos are getting bonuses and buying airplanes with **taxpayer money** are getting away with murder! These idiots lost billions of dollars and they're still getting handouts! I mean come on!"

"It does seem rather unfair, doesn't it?" Zartan asked.

"I'll say!" Torch grunted. "You burn a few towns to the ground or grab some plutonium that's just laying around and everyone gets on their high horse and points fingers at you! Calls you a menace or a danger to society."

"Or you try to take over the world a few times and no one is willing to let it go!" Cobra Commander said. "But if you work on Wall Street and steal all the money from the American taxpayer and put millions of people out of work? The government gives you a pat on the back and throws more money at you! It's not fair!"

"I'd be like if we tried to take over the planet and failed but the governments of the world decide to give us a place like Greenland," Monkeywrench agreed. "Okay we failed but we get something just for trying! Hey that'd be sweet if they did do that!"

"Yeah if they did do that we'd have the entire planet under our control by now," Buzzer snorted.

"Maybe we should steal from those guys? You know since they're the ones with all the money?" Torch asked.

"That's not a bad idea," Cobra Commander blinked. "Make a note of it."

"See! We Dreadnoks can be useful at these meetings!" Torch said proudly.

"Congratulations Torch," Destro said sarcastically. "**One **good idea out of **ten million**. That must be some sort of record for you."

"It is!" Torch said proudly. "I am going to write it in my journal!"

"You have a journal?" Monkeywrench asked.

"You can **write?**" Destro asked.

"Of course I can write! I put all my important ideas and most profound thoughts in my journal for my memoirs!" Torch pulled out a leather bound journal.

"Important ideas? Profound thoughts?" Zartan sneered. "What do **you **count as a profound thought? Recording your longest burp? Comparing different brands of grape soda? Writing down all the things that get stuck in your beard over the month?"

Torch looked at him. "You've read my journal haven't you?"

"As **enjoyable **as this detour has been into the mind of Torch…"Destro said. "Can we please get back to the problem at hand and how we are going to solve this latest financial crisis?"

"Well I was gonna suggest robbing a few banks but I don't know how much money they have left," Monkeywrench suggested.

"In this economy we'd be better off robbing a liquor store," Mindbender groaned.

"That's a **great **idea!" Buzzer cheered. "We can get booze as well as cash!"

"And beef jerky!" Ripper said. "Don't forget the beef jerky!"

"Not to mention many stores that sell alcoholic spirits have a delightful collection of fromage," Road Pig's more sophisticated personality spoke first. "Uh yeah and they got lots of cheese whiz!"

"Can we go rob a liquor store? Can we Zartan?" Torch begged.

"Pretty please with sugar on top?" Buzzer jumped up and down excitedly.

"Will you bring back some booze for the **rest **of us?" Zartan asked.

"Oh yeah! Absolutely! You betcha!" The Dreadnoks promised. "Just tell us what you want! We'll take your order!"

"Oh why the hell **not?**" Cobra Commander groaned. "Just bring me back something expensive and hard and mixes well with medication."

"Tequila and bourbon shooters it is," Torch wrote it down. "Destro you want some fancy expensive rare wine or something?"

"Actually some of those tequila and bourbon shooters sounds pretty good right now," Destro groaned.

"Just grab a couple crates of everything," Cobra Commander told them. "Oh and we need more toilet paper in the executive office bathrooms!"

"Got it! Let's go boys!" Torch called out. The Dreadnoks ran out cheering.

"I don't know what's more depressing," Destro groaned. "That we have to resort to robbing liquor stores in order for Cobra to stay afloat or that the **Dreadnoks** thought of it!"

"I know," Zartan groaned. "It scares the hell out of me too!"

"Hey if those Wall Street fat cats can steal from the American Taxpayers, we can knock off a couple of liquor stores," Cobra Commander snapped. "At least Cobra works for it's money! What's **their** excuse?"


End file.
